Sunday I increased the dosage to 2 estrogen patches. Side-effects include headaches, nausea and loss of appetite. Should I call the clinic to report or just accept it. It is not like they are going to change the protocol, so I really don't see the point. Wife doesn't agree, but this is my decision, right?
So I give myself a C+ so far on following the herbalist's recommendations.
- I am doing great on dinner for breakfast, but I think that may have something to do with loss of appetite. I am just not hungry at lunch time then.
- I have been eating a lot of red meat, but I couldn't stomach the cost for grass-fed and organic meats. So just organic will have to do.
- I am drinking about 8 oz of water with chia seeds (instead of the 16 oz recommended).
- I have been drinking the evening tea, even though it is DISGUSTING!
- I have been taking the enzyme with only about half my meals. I keep forgetting. Even still, it seems to be helping as my "digestion" is much more active.
- I have taken the probiotic each evening and it too is pretty gross - it goes down quickly if I take my vitamins with it.
The issue I see is that I have been doing this for 3 days and already it seems like a big pain. I have 2.5 more weeks and while I am hoping I will get into a routine, I feel it is more likely that I will give this all up as an unnecessary burden. I don't feel more energetic (yet?) and I don't feel more fertile (yet?) and I don't feel more connected to "Alison" (yet?). Quite possibly a $200 waste of time and money. (Sure, compared to IVF, $200 doesn't sound like much, but we could certainly use it in our regular household budget.)
On a more positive note, I had a really nice date with Wife on Friday - it had been too long since we got along for an entire evening. We went to a movie (where I gave my evening Lupron injection during a dark scene) and then out for sushi. I am hoping that I won't be able to eat sushi for several months starting in a few weeks, so I better get my fill now. I told wife about Alison, and she surprised the heck out of me by not freaking out or calling me a dork or anything mean or negative. She started talking about names and it was fun to imagine what it will be like when we have another child. Of course the conversation steered mostly to the idea of having more children, but I shared how I was afraid if I got my hopes up about twins I might be disappointed if we"only got one," as if that would ever be a bad thing. And surprise of all surprises, she understood and let it go. It was a really nice evening.
We had a few snits over the weekend, but in general I am feeling cautiously un-pessimistic about our relationship. And that is a nice improvement. I am hoping to upgrade my feelings about this FET cycle to un-pessimistic soon. I have 2.5 weeks to get my mind in gear, to drop the fear, to ditch the negativity and stress.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Because I want IT
Today has been about tackling my inner demons regarding getting pregnant now. Multiple signs point to this not being the right time. And yet I persist. I want to be pregnant and I want to be pregnant now. Actually, when my acupuncturist asked, "Are you sure now is the best time to get pregnant?" I should have answered "No! The best time was three months ago, or even last year when we started trying - but this will do as a back-up plan."
I think I am still cranky.
I will continue to blame the hormones.
So back to my day. I met with an acupuncture/herbalist. He took a very detailed history (I don't think I have talked to anyone that much about my poo -- and I have 3-year-old twins so there is a lot of poo talk for competition -- but even so, today wins) and gave me a long prescription. Well, actually, first he asked if there was any way to push the transfer back, because he would love to work with me for longer than 3 weeks to really get my energy where it needs to be. Ouch! I am trying hard not to focus on the implied message - my energy is not going to be where it needs to be. Instead I am going to jump-start my Chi by doing the following:
- Eat dinner for breakfast: eat heartily in the morning, lots of red meat and soups with bone broths
- Drink an evening tea every night
- Take digestive enzymes with every meal
- Take probiotics with my prenatal and fish oil every evening
- Drink slippery chia seed water between meals
- Go to sleep earlier each evening
And honestly, when looking at this list, I wonder is this really going to make a difference? Will the embies implant because I have done these things? Will they not stick if I don't? All of a sudden I feel like I am behind the 8-ball and I have a lot of work to do, and perhaps if I don't get pregnant it will be my fault because I didn't go to sleep early enough or I ate too many "empty calories" or I just have crappy Chi. And really, he wanted more time anyway. And I said I want it now.
So then I rushed to lunch with a friend, which I was really looking forward to because it has been way too long since I sat with a friend, without distractions. Sadly we only had about 30 minutes because I had to run back to the office and actually do some work. So I didn't get to tell her how much I was struggling emotionally or explain how terrible I feel about being such a cranky, downer nellie. I didn't get to pick her brain about the Halloween party. I didn't get to say how much I appreciated her candor, even in asking me if now was the right time to get knocked up - and I feel a little bad for reacting kinda strongly. I am so happy that we met for the quick lunch, but I feel like it just picked at the tip of the iceberg and I have so much more I need to connect with someone on.
Part of me is just so confused right now. After our several at-home attempts and one IUI, it was somewhat of a relief for me to learn we had male factor infertility issues. It explained things for me - I didn't think I would have an issue getting pregnant, and then I had a nice little explanation that fit with my view of things. So when we did IVF I was so sure it would work. And then it didn't. Does this mean I have fertility issues? Does one failed IVF make me infertile, or just unlucky? I know, why does it really matter what label I wear? I don't know, but for some reason I am stuck on it. That and the fact that I have Kids, so shouldn't I be happy? Couldn't I be done? Am I just being greedy to try to get pregnant myself - to have my turn? Why am I going through all this emotional torture?
Because I want IT. And I want it now.
Please.
I think I am still cranky.
I will continue to blame the hormones.
So back to my day. I met with an acupuncture/herbalist. He took a very detailed history (I don't think I have talked to anyone that much about my poo -- and I have 3-year-old twins so there is a lot of poo talk for competition -- but even so, today wins) and gave me a long prescription. Well, actually, first he asked if there was any way to push the transfer back, because he would love to work with me for longer than 3 weeks to really get my energy where it needs to be. Ouch! I am trying hard not to focus on the implied message - my energy is not going to be where it needs to be. Instead I am going to jump-start my Chi by doing the following:
- Eat dinner for breakfast: eat heartily in the morning, lots of red meat and soups with bone broths
- Drink an evening tea every night
- Take digestive enzymes with every meal
- Take probiotics with my prenatal and fish oil every evening
- Drink slippery chia seed water between meals
- Go to sleep earlier each evening
And honestly, when looking at this list, I wonder is this really going to make a difference? Will the embies implant because I have done these things? Will they not stick if I don't? All of a sudden I feel like I am behind the 8-ball and I have a lot of work to do, and perhaps if I don't get pregnant it will be my fault because I didn't go to sleep early enough or I ate too many "empty calories" or I just have crappy Chi. And really, he wanted more time anyway. And I said I want it now.
So then I rushed to lunch with a friend, which I was really looking forward to because it has been way too long since I sat with a friend, without distractions. Sadly we only had about 30 minutes because I had to run back to the office and actually do some work. So I didn't get to tell her how much I was struggling emotionally or explain how terrible I feel about being such a cranky, downer nellie. I didn't get to pick her brain about the Halloween party. I didn't get to say how much I appreciated her candor, even in asking me if now was the right time to get knocked up - and I feel a little bad for reacting kinda strongly. I am so happy that we met for the quick lunch, but I feel like it just picked at the tip of the iceberg and I have so much more I need to connect with someone on.
Part of me is just so confused right now. After our several at-home attempts and one IUI, it was somewhat of a relief for me to learn we had male factor infertility issues. It explained things for me - I didn't think I would have an issue getting pregnant, and then I had a nice little explanation that fit with my view of things. So when we did IVF I was so sure it would work. And then it didn't. Does this mean I have fertility issues? Does one failed IVF make me infertile, or just unlucky? I know, why does it really matter what label I wear? I don't know, but for some reason I am stuck on it. That and the fact that I have Kids, so shouldn't I be happy? Couldn't I be done? Am I just being greedy to try to get pregnant myself - to have my turn? Why am I going through all this emotional torture?
Because I want IT. And I want it now.
Please.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Man up!
I am back again today because I said I would, but I have nothing to report. I started the Estrogen yesterday and I have had the worst headache all day today. I hope they aren't related because I really don't want to spend the next several weeks feeling like this. I am sad, feeling unconnected, totally blah.
I am reading tons of websites/blogs (I really need to do more work!) and I keep running across other people say how hard it is to deal with infertility. Every time I read a sentence to that effect, a little part of my heart cries. I am trying so hard to be positive and say it doesn't matter - that I will be pregnant at some point. But really, I am emotionally spent. I have a much better understanding of what Wife went through 4 years ago when we did IVF for her. I honestly don't know how she coped because I know she didn't reach out to me, friends or the Internet. She kept everything inside, so it is no wonder she became a toxic mess. Then her struggles with breastfeeding only added to her self-doubt and emotional roller coaster. I only wonder if it is too late to reset her Mother/Provider meter. Is this the karmic lesson I am supposed to learn?
Overall I have to say that karma is kicking my ass. I thought it would be so easy for me to get pregnant - it isn't. I thought I would be able to obsess less about this FET - I can't. I am so out of balance right now. I am not connected with friends, I am ready to kill Wife, I am barely doing my job and I feel like crap. I even got mad a t Kids last night for not falling asleep, and I had been doing so much better about not getting mad at them! My boss just came into my office a little while ago to check in on me - he sensed I was stressed and just wanted to see if I was alright. That was really nice of him. It wins him brownie points even if I still think he stinks as a boss and he makes my work life so much harder. But it does get him something.
I seriously need a night off. I wonder if I could call home and request some alone time. How much whoop-ass would that raise? Should I do it anyway? I know it would be better for both of us in the long run. And I know it is a sad, sad sign that I am afraid to ask Wife if I can come home late. Come on Me, man up! (Wish me luck...)
I am reading tons of websites/blogs (I really need to do more work!) and I keep running across other people say how hard it is to deal with infertility. Every time I read a sentence to that effect, a little part of my heart cries. I am trying so hard to be positive and say it doesn't matter - that I will be pregnant at some point. But really, I am emotionally spent. I have a much better understanding of what Wife went through 4 years ago when we did IVF for her. I honestly don't know how she coped because I know she didn't reach out to me, friends or the Internet. She kept everything inside, so it is no wonder she became a toxic mess. Then her struggles with breastfeeding only added to her self-doubt and emotional roller coaster. I only wonder if it is too late to reset her Mother/Provider meter. Is this the karmic lesson I am supposed to learn?
Overall I have to say that karma is kicking my ass. I thought it would be so easy for me to get pregnant - it isn't. I thought I would be able to obsess less about this FET - I can't. I am so out of balance right now. I am not connected with friends, I am ready to kill Wife, I am barely doing my job and I feel like crap. I even got mad a t Kids last night for not falling asleep, and I had been doing so much better about not getting mad at them! My boss just came into my office a little while ago to check in on me - he sensed I was stressed and just wanted to see if I was alright. That was really nice of him. It wins him brownie points even if I still think he stinks as a boss and he makes my work life so much harder. But it does get him something.
I seriously need a night off. I wonder if I could call home and request some alone time. How much whoop-ass would that raise? Should I do it anyway? I know it would be better for both of us in the long run. And I know it is a sad, sad sign that I am afraid to ask Wife if I can come home late. Come on Me, man up! (Wish me luck...)
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Grrrr - Beware
OMIGOD I am so cranky today. I am in such a grumpy mood and beware anyone who comes in my path. I am seriously thinking about going home early because I am snapping at my boss so bad - I don't want to get fired. Seriously though, he is such a dumb-a**. And I hate how he talks: "Umm, so this needs to go there too" As if I can read his mind and know what "this" is and where "there" is. A little detail please! And is it too much to ask that he stop eating before he calls me. I am so sick of hearing him chew and slurp his food over the phone. Gross!
Tonight is going to be so not nice at home. I just feel like growling. At everyone.
Tonight is going to be so not nice at home. I just feel like growling. At everyone.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Alison
I have been talking to my "spirit baby" a lot recently. I know this is out-there for most people, but it is really helping me feel focused on my goal without stressing me out. It gives my baby-making energy and anxiety something to focus on. I see an acupuncturist who saw my spirit baby above my right shoulder, glowing yellow. Since then I have been referring to her as Alison.
Alison is such a gentle soul. I imagine a purple thread connecting my heart to hers. I am trying to convince her to get ready to jump into an egg - her turn to be born is coming up. She seems reluctant right now, like she would rather wait. I hope I can convince her that now is really a good time. I also tell her she can bring a friend if she wants. I think she is considering it.
Meanwhile, I still have yet to find my own Hoo-Haa on this pregnancy attempt. I am just not feeling positive about it - probably fear-based worrying. I start the Vivelle patches tomorrow. These are new for me - can't wait to see what side effects I get. Perhaps some optimism and excitement?
In other family matters, I have been mentally drafting a letter to Girl and Boy (one letter each) telling them what they are into at this point in time. I wish I had done it sooner. I think about going back and filling in past stories. I have so much great material and so much I want to tell their future selves - if only I could get the letters out of my head and onto paper. How long do you think it is going to take before someone invents a mind-reading stenographer, so I can think my thoughts and have them written down for prosperity. What a way to make blogging easier. Until then, I will just have to set a deadline and get to it!
Alison is such a gentle soul. I imagine a purple thread connecting my heart to hers. I am trying to convince her to get ready to jump into an egg - her turn to be born is coming up. She seems reluctant right now, like she would rather wait. I hope I can convince her that now is really a good time. I also tell her she can bring a friend if she wants. I think she is considering it.
Meanwhile, I still have yet to find my own Hoo-Haa on this pregnancy attempt. I am just not feeling positive about it - probably fear-based worrying. I start the Vivelle patches tomorrow. These are new for me - can't wait to see what side effects I get. Perhaps some optimism and excitement?
In other family matters, I have been mentally drafting a letter to Girl and Boy (one letter each) telling them what they are into at this point in time. I wish I had done it sooner. I think about going back and filling in past stories. I have so much great material and so much I want to tell their future selves - if only I could get the letters out of my head and onto paper. How long do you think it is going to take before someone invents a mind-reading stenographer, so I can think my thoughts and have them written down for prosperity. What a way to make blogging easier. Until then, I will just have to set a deadline and get to it!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Nice/Not-Nice
So my goal is to write every day weekday workday in November. I think it will help me stay sane - and I need something so I don't kill leave Wife. Plus Kids aren't sleeping again and we are oh so tired. And the Lupron is making me headache-y and tired and cranky.
So today I want to comment on Wife's ability to upset me with a simple comment or question. I just don't understand how we can communicate so differently, and I certainly don't know what to do about it. I don't want to tell her how to talk or what she is allowed or supposed to say. But I also don't want her to continue talking to me the way she is, because it just upsets me. There is a nice way and a not-nice way to get the same point across. Guess which way she uses...
Nice: Are you feeling ok?
Not-Nice: Why are you so cranky?
Nice: What's wrong?
Non-Nice: What's wrong with you?
Nice: Is something the matter?
Not-Nice: Why are you being such an ass?
Nice: Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?
Not-Nice: Why don't you just go home?
Nice: Do you have another headache?
Not-Nice: Why do you have that look on your face?
The list goes on. But I won't.
So today I want to comment on Wife's ability to upset me with a simple comment or question. I just don't understand how we can communicate so differently, and I certainly don't know what to do about it. I don't want to tell her how to talk or what she is allowed or supposed to say. But I also don't want her to continue talking to me the way she is, because it just upsets me. There is a nice way and a not-nice way to get the same point across. Guess which way she uses...
Nice: Are you feeling ok?
Not-Nice: Why are you so cranky?
Nice: What's wrong?
Non-Nice: What's wrong with you?
Nice: Is something the matter?
Not-Nice: Why are you being such an ass?
Nice: Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?
Not-Nice: Why don't you just go home?
Nice: Do you have another headache?
Not-Nice: Why do you have that look on your face?
The list goes on. But I won't.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Bye-Bye Pill
I have been off birth control for 3 days now and I can't believe the world of difference it has made on my outlook. I need to sit down and reflect on how crazy I have been the last few weeks - the emotional roller coaster that hormones have sent me on - just in case I need to go on the pill again (please no!). So here is a letter to me:
Me,
When you are on the Pill, everything seems larger and worse than it is. You have a tendency to snowball events. Your responses are legitimate, but your reactions are exaggerated - you spiral. This is not to say that you are wrong; your feelings are honest and true and very profound. This is to remind you to try, as much as possible, to keep your response contained to what upset you.
For example, last Saturday when Wife put 8 ounces of juice for the Kids when you both agreed to use only 4. Suddenly you knew she was untrustworthy. You doubted her respect for you. You were certain your marriage was doomed and Wife was a raving B. You cried. You were angry for hours. You didn't even talk to her about it because you knew you would blow up. I can tell you, now that I am no longer on the Pill, this does not seem like such a big deal. Maybe she forgot. Maybe she felt because the Kids were sick they needed some extra calories or sugar or both. Maybe she hasn't been respecting the agreement for 4 oz, but even that is ok. Just talk to her about it and try again. From this non-Pill viewpoint, it is about juice - and juice is not that big a deal.
Now if you are in this situation again, I wish you strength and courage. You don't have to discount your feelings and reactions - it is ok to be upset. But try to manage the disappointment and sadness. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if your reaction is doomsday - if so, you are probably overreacting. Follow your own advice tot he Kids and "use your words". In general, not on the Pill, you tend to address situations head-on. Faced with a sudden stressful situation, you collect your energy and zap-zap things like a superhero. You dodge when you have to, attack when necessary. You do not stand victim in the corner. (If you are cowering and playing victim, you are probably being overly dramatic.)
And good luck! It is a phase and you will get through it!
Love,
Me
Me,
When you are on the Pill, everything seems larger and worse than it is. You have a tendency to snowball events. Your responses are legitimate, but your reactions are exaggerated - you spiral. This is not to say that you are wrong; your feelings are honest and true and very profound. This is to remind you to try, as much as possible, to keep your response contained to what upset you.
For example, last Saturday when Wife put 8 ounces of juice for the Kids when you both agreed to use only 4. Suddenly you knew she was untrustworthy. You doubted her respect for you. You were certain your marriage was doomed and Wife was a raving B. You cried. You were angry for hours. You didn't even talk to her about it because you knew you would blow up. I can tell you, now that I am no longer on the Pill, this does not seem like such a big deal. Maybe she forgot. Maybe she felt because the Kids were sick they needed some extra calories or sugar or both. Maybe she hasn't been respecting the agreement for 4 oz, but even that is ok. Just talk to her about it and try again. From this non-Pill viewpoint, it is about juice - and juice is not that big a deal.
Now if you are in this situation again, I wish you strength and courage. You don't have to discount your feelings and reactions - it is ok to be upset. But try to manage the disappointment and sadness. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if your reaction is doomsday - if so, you are probably overreacting. Follow your own advice tot he Kids and "use your words". In general, not on the Pill, you tend to address situations head-on. Faced with a sudden stressful situation, you collect your energy and zap-zap things like a superhero. You dodge when you have to, attack when necessary. You do not stand victim in the corner. (If you are cowering and playing victim, you are probably being overly dramatic.)
And good luck! It is a phase and you will get through it!
Love,
Me
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