Confessions of a Bad Blogger

So I had this other blog, but I didn't like the title. So I started this blog by importing all the posts. But I had already semi-circulated links to the first blog, so I didn't feel like I could end it. So I kept writing on the other blog and left this one to waste. Then I found I had a follower(!) and 2 comments(!!) on this blog. What a bummer - since nobody ever says anything on the other blog. What to do? What to do?

Well, I found out how to change the title on the other blog, so I will be ending this one. If you are interested, please check out the not-so-exciting not-happenings on the first blog. Thanks!

Changing Perspective

I am finally starting to piece together this hodge podge feeling that I am approaching this attempt at getting pregnant incorrectly. The truth is I really want to be pregnant. I want to feel a baby grow inside me. I want to provide for this baby, or even these babies. I want the bump. And as much as I will deny this later, I want the nausea, aches and pains. I want to be pregnant.

But that is all about me.

And I am getting hints that the process really isn't, or at least it shouldn't, be about me. Being pregnant is a means to an end -- the way that a new being joins the world. The few spiritual people I have talked with about IF have hinted loudly that I will become pregnant when a spirit decides he or she wants to come into the world and be my child. And there is a spirit baby out there for me, and this pregnancy is about her. (I am going to continue with "her," because I do feel a female spirit baby vibe.)

So whether this upcoming FET works or not doen't depend on me doing the right thing or not. If it doesn't work, it is not because I don't deserve it or because I did something wrong. My spirit baby just wasn't ready yet. It wasn't the right time for her to join the world yet. And only she knows when the right time is.

Re-reading this so far makes me sounds all spiritual and new age. And I am not. And I don't know how much of what I wrote I actually believe. But I do know that it makes me feel better. News from others going trough IVF and FETs right now is not good. I am so sad for these women, my heart aches and my minds cowers - it scares me! So putting a little faith in a spirit baby, taking some pressure off myself, surrendering to the idea of what-will-be-will-be, is helpful.

Oops - it ended up being all about me again. Well, at least I am trying!

Like Pulling Teeth

I had a great weekend and I am still feeling optimistic about the transfer in a few weeks. Headaches are just small annoyances, probably more a reflection of the fact that I need glasses than anything having to do with hormones. So I think I am going to let it ride because the thought of creating a whole post about how I am doing right now just sounds so unappealing.

OK, I will just mention that I am collecting a list of several blogs that I enjoy reading but I keep going back to Hope Springs' blog about a Support Network and I think I will need to address this one soon. But right now I am too busy thinking about the upcoming holidays and the fun things I have planned for the next few weekends. 

And woo hoo - I just added my first link! I think I may be an official blogger yet!

Feeling like a Champ

I have nothing but positive energy to share today. I feel great. I am happy. I am optimistic about LOTS of things, including my relationship with Wife, my job and the upcoming FET. It is amazing what a little estrogen shot in the ass can do! (BTW, when I actually go through menopause, I think I am going to be a very good candidate for hormone replacement therapy 0 may no one have to be around me when my natural estrogen shuts off - yikes!)

So I am just looking forward to spending time with my family this weekend, seeing friends and feeling good. Woo hoo!

Holy Optimism, Batman - Who is this Positive Woman?

Guess who is feeling excited and positive about this FET? Me! Holy cow - woo hoo - and yippie!!!

Several things have finally fallen into place. I wish I could do the transfer tomorrow because I am feeling THAT good. But I will wait and let this grow - build a foundation of positive vibes. To summarize recent actions that helped buoy my mood:

(1) I sent a text to Wife to thank her for taking care of Kids the other night. She texted back and told me it was (a) not a big deal, and (b) she felt bad that she didn't finish by taking care of me - by giving me a big hug and letting me know it would be alright - that we were in it together and she loves me very much, etc. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

(2) Wife also offered to wake up 2 mornings a week to take care of Kids while I sleep in. Since they have been waking up at 5:30 due to end of Daylight Savings, this is a HUGE relief. And such a positive sign that Wife is making effort to support me, and given how much she hates waking up early, this sacrifice is awesome.

(3) Great couple's counseling session where I shared my anxieties and felt heard and more supported. Yes, some of my fears are irrational. Some of my reactions are hormonal. But all this is natural for where I am and what I/we are going through. So it was good. I also was able to laugh at myself some. Thank you!

(4) Super appointment with RE this mornings. First, we got to see Dr. Positive And Nice (sounds lame, but those are the qualities that stick out and are so important to me right now -- from here on out, He will be Dr. PAN). What a relief after Dr. Personality who berated my ovary, belittled my sperm and gave little hope that future cycles would work. Not Dr. PAN - he is so excited about this FET. He knows it is going to work. He is excited about their FET success rate, particularly for women my age. He responded well to my question about why we are doing a day2 transfer rather than a day5 - convinced me anyway (with some blah blah about a study at Yale...). He was very animated about what we have going for us, especially after looking at the TRIPLE STRIPE 11mm uterine lining I am sporting. Yes, Me! And we are still 13 days away from transfer. (Sorry, wish I know what cycle day this was, but I lost count of all that long ago. Only know he wanted to see at least 8mm.) I got a picture of my lovely uterus.

But perhaps the best part is...
(5) I got an estrogen shot. Sure, that sucker hurt "just a tad" as it went into my ass, but I am so ready for these headaches to be over. My estrogen level was a mere 89, while on 2 patches, so now I am going to remove said patches, and get a shot every 3.5 days. No more sticky goo! And so looking forward to no more headaches!

And in 2 weeks - so looking forward to being PUPO but on my way to being PUB (my new acronym - Pregnant Until Birth)!

Why Why Why?

Last night I cried myself to sleep at 8pm. I had a killer Lupron headache and slight Vivelle nausea. Thankfully Wife took over my job and put Kids to bed as I lay in bed feeling pathetic and cranky and hopeless. And I realized something: I made a terrible mistake. I want my $20,000 back. Forget this whole baby-making thing. I should have spent the money on a kickin' vacation, maybe a few vacations, and our heating bill and baby sitting -- why did I think that getting pregnant was so important? Because if my some fluke I do get pregnant, I am not (ever) going to be able to stay in bed with a headache while Wife puts the kids to bed. I will be busy with new kid, or kids! There will be no such thing as "me time" or other things I really value, such as sleep and relaxing. And for this I paid $20,000???

Perhaps this is what everyone meant when they asked if now was the best time to get pregnant. Damn concerned people who know things better than I do! But what to do now?

LATER IN THE DAY....
After spending the better part of the last 3 hours reading other IF blogs, I have decided to find Hope. I will be Optimistic. I will consider everything I am doing naturally to be part of creating just the right environment for my baby to join us. I am enough, and what I am doing is Right. Even what I am not doing is Right. It is going to work!

Conversation with Sister

I was talking with my sister yesterday - a really overdue catch-up since we haven't talked in about 4 weeks, which is long at this point in our lives - and while the conversation was fine, I was left with an uneasy feeling afterward. Really, anyone going through infertility should not be talking with a sister who is 4 years older (over 40) and pregnant with baby #6, conceived on CD6 - oops! But let me back up.

Last night I was telling Sister that I was having a hard time with balance. I wanted to do everything possible to support getting pregnant, but I was starting to feel overwhelmed with everything that I was doing. She said she understood, but at a certain point it is about managing stress, and if eating all the right (or crazy) things at the right (or crazy) time was creating more stress, then perhaps it wasn't worth it. And I agree. But what she doesn't really get, as an uber-fertile, is the possible guilt and blame that I will feel if I choose not to follow this new regimen and I don't end up pregnant. It is so hard to make the choice to take it easy, even though that sounds so obvious, because then it seems like I am slacking/not motivated (and possibly not deserving?). In my heart, I don't feel like the chia seeds or probiotics are doing anything for me. But I haven't yet completely confirmed that I will give them up (although it is likely).

The other thing Sister is trying to be helpful about but doesn't get...When she was trying for baby #5, she got pregnant on the third month of trying. This was the first time she didn't get pregnant on the first try. So now she understands how disappointing it can be to get a BFN. Yes. And No. I really appreciate the fact that she is trying to empathize with me - but really, does a BFN mean the same thing to somebody who got pregnant 4 times already, each from the first unprotected sex? I don't know, but I have to think that she was nowhere near the "it'll never happen" feeling the way I am. (And yes, I realize that I am walking a fine line because I already have Kids, so other people dealing with IF who don't have kids may be saying the same thing about me - but in my defense, I have kids though my wife, and while they really are my kids, I want to be pregnant and have kids through me - is that asking for too much?) And of course I can't blame Sister for not getting it - I wish nobody got it. But here I am tearing up because, truly, I am petrified that it'll never work. That I won't ever get pregnant, I won't get to feel life growing inside of me. That I don't have what it takes to be nourishing, to sustain and provide for a budding child.

Have I mentioned lately that I hate these hormones? What a pathetic worrier/downer/mess! Man I wish I could feel more positive!

On the other hand, I want to thank Sister for letting me talk. I think sometimes it is hard for her to be pregnant and hear me talk about wanting it so much. She knows she has it and I want it and yet it's not like she can share it. And it is nice to feel absolutely no hard feelings about her being pregnant. (I am actually a little surprised about how I am not jealous of pregnant women in general - I guess I know it is not like there are a finite number of pregnancies and what they have doesn't take away from me. I am jealous of people who blog about how much they LOVE their partner and are so blessed to be going through IF with their best friend, blah blah - ick! Kills me every time - but not what I want to write about now.)

Honestly, I think I need a break. Oh - I hate these hormones!