Confessions of a Bad Blogger

So I had this other blog, but I didn't like the title. So I started this blog by importing all the posts. But I had already semi-circulated links to the first blog, so I didn't feel like I could end it. So I kept writing on the other blog and left this one to waste. Then I found I had a follower(!) and 2 comments(!!) on this blog. What a bummer - since nobody ever says anything on the other blog. What to do? What to do?

Well, I found out how to change the title on the other blog, so I will be ending this one. If you are interested, please check out the not-so-exciting not-happenings on the first blog. Thanks!

Changing Perspective

I am finally starting to piece together this hodge podge feeling that I am approaching this attempt at getting pregnant incorrectly. The truth is I really want to be pregnant. I want to feel a baby grow inside me. I want to provide for this baby, or even these babies. I want the bump. And as much as I will deny this later, I want the nausea, aches and pains. I want to be pregnant.

But that is all about me.

And I am getting hints that the process really isn't, or at least it shouldn't, be about me. Being pregnant is a means to an end -- the way that a new being joins the world. The few spiritual people I have talked with about IF have hinted loudly that I will become pregnant when a spirit decides he or she wants to come into the world and be my child. And there is a spirit baby out there for me, and this pregnancy is about her. (I am going to continue with "her," because I do feel a female spirit baby vibe.)

So whether this upcoming FET works or not doen't depend on me doing the right thing or not. If it doesn't work, it is not because I don't deserve it or because I did something wrong. My spirit baby just wasn't ready yet. It wasn't the right time for her to join the world yet. And only she knows when the right time is.

Re-reading this so far makes me sounds all spiritual and new age. And I am not. And I don't know how much of what I wrote I actually believe. But I do know that it makes me feel better. News from others going trough IVF and FETs right now is not good. I am so sad for these women, my heart aches and my minds cowers - it scares me! So putting a little faith in a spirit baby, taking some pressure off myself, surrendering to the idea of what-will-be-will-be, is helpful.

Oops - it ended up being all about me again. Well, at least I am trying!

Like Pulling Teeth

I had a great weekend and I am still feeling optimistic about the transfer in a few weeks. Headaches are just small annoyances, probably more a reflection of the fact that I need glasses than anything having to do with hormones. So I think I am going to let it ride because the thought of creating a whole post about how I am doing right now just sounds so unappealing.

OK, I will just mention that I am collecting a list of several blogs that I enjoy reading but I keep going back to Hope Springs' blog about a Support Network and I think I will need to address this one soon. But right now I am too busy thinking about the upcoming holidays and the fun things I have planned for the next few weekends. 

And woo hoo - I just added my first link! I think I may be an official blogger yet!

Feeling like a Champ

I have nothing but positive energy to share today. I feel great. I am happy. I am optimistic about LOTS of things, including my relationship with Wife, my job and the upcoming FET. It is amazing what a little estrogen shot in the ass can do! (BTW, when I actually go through menopause, I think I am going to be a very good candidate for hormone replacement therapy 0 may no one have to be around me when my natural estrogen shuts off - yikes!)

So I am just looking forward to spending time with my family this weekend, seeing friends and feeling good. Woo hoo!

Holy Optimism, Batman - Who is this Positive Woman?

Guess who is feeling excited and positive about this FET? Me! Holy cow - woo hoo - and yippie!!!

Several things have finally fallen into place. I wish I could do the transfer tomorrow because I am feeling THAT good. But I will wait and let this grow - build a foundation of positive vibes. To summarize recent actions that helped buoy my mood:

(1) I sent a text to Wife to thank her for taking care of Kids the other night. She texted back and told me it was (a) not a big deal, and (b) she felt bad that she didn't finish by taking care of me - by giving me a big hug and letting me know it would be alright - that we were in it together and she loves me very much, etc. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

(2) Wife also offered to wake up 2 mornings a week to take care of Kids while I sleep in. Since they have been waking up at 5:30 due to end of Daylight Savings, this is a HUGE relief. And such a positive sign that Wife is making effort to support me, and given how much she hates waking up early, this sacrifice is awesome.

(3) Great couple's counseling session where I shared my anxieties and felt heard and more supported. Yes, some of my fears are irrational. Some of my reactions are hormonal. But all this is natural for where I am and what I/we are going through. So it was good. I also was able to laugh at myself some. Thank you!

(4) Super appointment with RE this mornings. First, we got to see Dr. Positive And Nice (sounds lame, but those are the qualities that stick out and are so important to me right now -- from here on out, He will be Dr. PAN). What a relief after Dr. Personality who berated my ovary, belittled my sperm and gave little hope that future cycles would work. Not Dr. PAN - he is so excited about this FET. He knows it is going to work. He is excited about their FET success rate, particularly for women my age. He responded well to my question about why we are doing a day2 transfer rather than a day5 - convinced me anyway (with some blah blah about a study at Yale...). He was very animated about what we have going for us, especially after looking at the TRIPLE STRIPE 11mm uterine lining I am sporting. Yes, Me! And we are still 13 days away from transfer. (Sorry, wish I know what cycle day this was, but I lost count of all that long ago. Only know he wanted to see at least 8mm.) I got a picture of my lovely uterus.

But perhaps the best part is...
(5) I got an estrogen shot. Sure, that sucker hurt "just a tad" as it went into my ass, but I am so ready for these headaches to be over. My estrogen level was a mere 89, while on 2 patches, so now I am going to remove said patches, and get a shot every 3.5 days. No more sticky goo! And so looking forward to no more headaches!

And in 2 weeks - so looking forward to being PUPO but on my way to being PUB (my new acronym - Pregnant Until Birth)!

Why Why Why?

Last night I cried myself to sleep at 8pm. I had a killer Lupron headache and slight Vivelle nausea. Thankfully Wife took over my job and put Kids to bed as I lay in bed feeling pathetic and cranky and hopeless. And I realized something: I made a terrible mistake. I want my $20,000 back. Forget this whole baby-making thing. I should have spent the money on a kickin' vacation, maybe a few vacations, and our heating bill and baby sitting -- why did I think that getting pregnant was so important? Because if my some fluke I do get pregnant, I am not (ever) going to be able to stay in bed with a headache while Wife puts the kids to bed. I will be busy with new kid, or kids! There will be no such thing as "me time" or other things I really value, such as sleep and relaxing. And for this I paid $20,000???

Perhaps this is what everyone meant when they asked if now was the best time to get pregnant. Damn concerned people who know things better than I do! But what to do now?

LATER IN THE DAY....
After spending the better part of the last 3 hours reading other IF blogs, I have decided to find Hope. I will be Optimistic. I will consider everything I am doing naturally to be part of creating just the right environment for my baby to join us. I am enough, and what I am doing is Right. Even what I am not doing is Right. It is going to work!

Conversation with Sister

I was talking with my sister yesterday - a really overdue catch-up since we haven't talked in about 4 weeks, which is long at this point in our lives - and while the conversation was fine, I was left with an uneasy feeling afterward. Really, anyone going through infertility should not be talking with a sister who is 4 years older (over 40) and pregnant with baby #6, conceived on CD6 - oops! But let me back up.

Last night I was telling Sister that I was having a hard time with balance. I wanted to do everything possible to support getting pregnant, but I was starting to feel overwhelmed with everything that I was doing. She said she understood, but at a certain point it is about managing stress, and if eating all the right (or crazy) things at the right (or crazy) time was creating more stress, then perhaps it wasn't worth it. And I agree. But what she doesn't really get, as an uber-fertile, is the possible guilt and blame that I will feel if I choose not to follow this new regimen and I don't end up pregnant. It is so hard to make the choice to take it easy, even though that sounds so obvious, because then it seems like I am slacking/not motivated (and possibly not deserving?). In my heart, I don't feel like the chia seeds or probiotics are doing anything for me. But I haven't yet completely confirmed that I will give them up (although it is likely).

The other thing Sister is trying to be helpful about but doesn't get...When she was trying for baby #5, she got pregnant on the third month of trying. This was the first time she didn't get pregnant on the first try. So now she understands how disappointing it can be to get a BFN. Yes. And No. I really appreciate the fact that she is trying to empathize with me - but really, does a BFN mean the same thing to somebody who got pregnant 4 times already, each from the first unprotected sex? I don't know, but I have to think that she was nowhere near the "it'll never happen" feeling the way I am. (And yes, I realize that I am walking a fine line because I already have Kids, so other people dealing with IF who don't have kids may be saying the same thing about me - but in my defense, I have kids though my wife, and while they really are my kids, I want to be pregnant and have kids through me - is that asking for too much?) And of course I can't blame Sister for not getting it - I wish nobody got it. But here I am tearing up because, truly, I am petrified that it'll never work. That I won't ever get pregnant, I won't get to feel life growing inside of me. That I don't have what it takes to be nourishing, to sustain and provide for a budding child.

Have I mentioned lately that I hate these hormones? What a pathetic worrier/downer/mess! Man I wish I could feel more positive!

On the other hand, I want to thank Sister for letting me talk. I think sometimes it is hard for her to be pregnant and hear me talk about wanting it so much. She knows she has it and I want it and yet it's not like she can share it. And it is nice to feel absolutely no hard feelings about her being pregnant. (I am actually a little surprised about how I am not jealous of pregnant women in general - I guess I know it is not like there are a finite number of pregnancies and what they have doesn't take away from me. I am jealous of people who blog about how much they LOVE their partner and are so blessed to be going through IF with their best friend, blah blah - ick! Kills me every time - but not what I want to write about now.)

Honestly, I think I need a break. Oh - I hate these hormones!

Searching for un-pessimism

Sunday I increased the dosage to 2 estrogen patches. Side-effects include headaches, nausea and loss of appetite. Should I call the clinic to report or just accept it. It is not like they are going to change the protocol, so I really don't see the point. Wife doesn't agree, but this is my decision, right?

So I give myself a C+ so far on following the herbalist's recommendations.
- I am doing great on dinner for breakfast, but I think that may have something to do with loss of appetite. I am just not hungry at lunch time then.
- I have been eating a lot of red meat, but I couldn't stomach the cost for grass-fed and organic meats. So just organic will have to do.
- I am drinking about 8 oz of water with chia seeds (instead of the 16 oz recommended).
- I have been drinking the evening tea, even though it is DISGUSTING!
- I have been taking the enzyme with only about half my meals. I keep forgetting. Even still, it seems to be helping as my "digestion" is much more active.
- I have taken the probiotic each evening and it too is pretty gross - it goes down quickly if I take my vitamins with it.
The issue I see is that I have been doing this for 3 days and already it seems like a big pain. I have 2.5 more weeks and while I am hoping I will get into a routine, I feel it is more likely that I will give this all up as an unnecessary burden. I don't feel more energetic (yet?) and I don't feel more fertile (yet?) and I don't feel more connected to "Alison" (yet?). Quite possibly a $200 waste of time and money. (Sure, compared to IVF, $200 doesn't sound like much, but we could certainly use it in our regular household budget.)

On a more positive note, I had a really nice date with Wife on Friday - it had been too long since we got along for an entire evening. We went to a movie (where I gave my evening Lupron injection during a dark scene) and then out for sushi. I am hoping that I won't be able to eat sushi for several months starting in a few weeks, so I better get my fill now. I told wife about Alison, and she surprised the heck out of me by not freaking out or calling me a dork or anything mean or negative. She started talking about names and it was fun to imagine what it will be like when we have another child. Of course the conversation steered mostly to the idea of having more children, but I shared how I was afraid if I got my hopes up about twins I might be disappointed if we"only got one," as if that would ever be a bad thing. And surprise of all surprises, she understood and let it go. It was a really nice evening.

We had a few snits over the weekend, but in general I am feeling cautiously un-pessimistic about our relationship. And that is a nice improvement. I am hoping to upgrade my feelings about this FET cycle to un-pessimistic soon. I have 2.5 weeks to get my mind in gear, to drop the fear, to ditch the negativity and stress.

Because I want IT

Today has been about tackling my inner demons regarding getting pregnant now. Multiple signs point to this not being the right time. And yet I persist. I want to be pregnant and I want to be pregnant now. Actually, when my acupuncturist asked, "Are you sure now is the best time to get pregnant?" I should have answered "No! The best time was three months ago, or even last year when we started trying - but this will do as a back-up plan."

I think I am still cranky.

I will continue to blame the hormones.

So back to my day. I met with an acupuncture/herbalist. He took a very detailed history (I don't think I have talked to anyone that much about my poo -- and I have 3-year-old twins so there is a lot of poo talk for competition -- but even so, today wins) and gave me a long prescription. Well, actually, first he asked if there was any way to push the transfer back, because he would love to work with me for longer than 3 weeks to really get my energy where it needs to be. Ouch! I am trying hard not to focus on the implied message - my energy is not going to be where it needs to be. Instead I am going to jump-start my Chi by doing the following:
- Eat dinner for breakfast: eat heartily in the morning, lots of red meat and soups with bone broths
- Drink an evening tea every night
- Take digestive enzymes with every meal
- Take probiotics with my prenatal and fish oil every evening
- Drink slippery chia seed water between meals
- Go to sleep earlier each evening
And honestly, when looking at this list, I wonder is this really going to make a difference? Will the embies implant because I have done these things? Will they not stick if I don't? All of a sudden I feel like I am behind the 8-ball and I have a lot of work to do, and perhaps if I don't get pregnant it will be my fault because I didn't go to sleep early enough or I ate too many "empty calories" or I just have crappy Chi. And really, he wanted more time anyway. And I said I want it now.

So then I rushed to lunch with a friend, which I was really looking forward to because it has been way too long since I sat with a friend, without distractions. Sadly we only had about 30 minutes because I had to run back to the office and actually do some work. So I didn't get to tell her how much I was struggling emotionally or explain how terrible I feel about being such a cranky, downer nellie. I didn't get to pick her brain about the Halloween party. I didn't get to say how much I appreciated her candor, even in asking me if now was the right time to get knocked up - and I feel a little bad for reacting kinda strongly. I am so happy that we met for the quick lunch, but I feel like it just picked at the tip of the iceberg and I have so much more I need to connect with someone on.

Part of me is just so confused right now. After our several at-home attempts and one IUI, it was somewhat of a relief for me to learn we had male factor infertility issues. It explained things for me - I didn't think I would have an issue getting pregnant, and then I had a nice little explanation that fit with my view of things. So when we did IVF I was so sure it would work. And then it didn't. Does this mean I have fertility issues? Does one failed IVF make me infertile, or just unlucky? I know, why does it really matter what label I wear? I don't know, but for some reason I am stuck on it. That and the fact that I have Kids, so shouldn't I be happy? Couldn't I be done? Am I just being greedy to try to get pregnant myself - to have my turn? Why am I going through all this emotional torture?

Because I want IT. And I want it now.

Please.

Man up!

I am back again today because I said I would, but I have nothing to report. I started the Estrogen yesterday and I have had the worst headache all day today. I hope they aren't related because I really don't want to spend the next several weeks feeling like this. I am sad, feeling unconnected, totally blah.

I am reading tons of websites/blogs (I really need to do more work!) and I keep running across other people say how hard it is to deal with infertility. Every time I read a sentence to that effect, a little part of my heart cries. I am trying so hard to be positive and say it doesn't matter - that I will be pregnant at some point. But really, I am emotionally spent. I have a much better understanding of what Wife went through 4 years ago when we did IVF for her. I honestly don't know how she coped because I know she didn't reach out to me, friends or the Internet. She kept everything inside, so it is no wonder she became a toxic mess. Then her struggles with breastfeeding only added to her self-doubt and emotional roller coaster. I only wonder if it is too late to reset her Mother/Provider meter. Is this the karmic lesson I am supposed to learn?

Overall I have to say that karma is kicking my ass. I thought it would be so easy for me to get pregnant - it isn't. I thought I would be able to obsess less about this FET - I can't. I am so out of balance right now. I am not connected with friends, I am ready to kill Wife, I am barely doing my job and I feel like crap. I even got mad a t Kids last night for not falling asleep, and I had been doing so much better about not getting mad at them! My boss just came into my office a little while ago to check in on me - he sensed I was stressed and just wanted to see if I was alright. That was really nice of him. It wins him brownie points even if I still think he stinks as a boss and he makes my work life so much harder. But it does get him something.

I seriously need a night off. I wonder if I could call home and request some alone time. How much whoop-ass would that raise? Should I do it anyway? I know it would be better for both of us in the long run. And I know it is a sad, sad sign that I am afraid to ask Wife if I can come home late. Come on Me, man up! (Wish me luck...)

Grrrr - Beware

OMIGOD I am so cranky today. I am in such a grumpy mood and beware anyone who comes in my path. I am seriously thinking about going home early because I am snapping at my boss so bad - I don't want to get fired. Seriously though, he is such a dumb-a**. And I hate how he talks: "Umm, so this needs to go there too" As if I can read his mind and know what "this" is and where "there" is. A little detail please! And is it too much to ask that he stop eating before he calls me. I am so sick of hearing him chew and slurp his food over the phone. Gross!

Tonight is going to be so not nice at home. I just feel like growling. At everyone.

Alison

I have been talking to my "spirit baby" a lot recently. I know this is out-there for most people, but it is really helping me feel focused on my goal without stressing me out. It gives my baby-making energy and anxiety something to focus on. I see an acupuncturist who saw my spirit baby above my right shoulder, glowing yellow. Since then I have been referring to her as Alison.

Alison is such a gentle soul. I imagine a purple thread connecting my heart to hers. I am trying to convince her to get ready to jump into an egg - her turn to be born is coming up. She seems reluctant right now, like she would rather wait. I hope I can convince her that now is really a good time. I also tell her she can bring a friend if she wants. I think she is considering it.

Meanwhile, I still have yet to find my own Hoo-Haa on this pregnancy attempt. I am just not feeling positive about it - probably fear-based worrying. I start the Vivelle patches tomorrow. These are new for me - can't wait to see what side effects I get. Perhaps some optimism and excitement?

In other family matters, I have been mentally drafting a letter to Girl and Boy (one letter each) telling them what they are into at this point in time. I wish I had done it sooner. I think about going back and filling in past stories. I have so much great material and so much I want to tell their future selves - if only I could get the letters out of my head and onto paper. How long do you think it is going to take before someone invents a mind-reading stenographer, so I can think my thoughts and have them written down for prosperity. What a way to make blogging easier. Until then, I will just have to set a deadline and get to it!

Nice/Not-Nice

So my goal is to write every day weekday workday in November. I think it will help me stay sane - and I need something so I don't kill leave Wife. Plus Kids aren't sleeping again and we are oh so tired. And the Lupron is making me headache-y and tired and cranky.

So today I want to comment on Wife's ability to upset me with a simple comment or question. I just don't understand how we can communicate so differently, and I certainly don't know what to do about it. I don't want to tell her how to talk or what she is allowed or supposed to say. But I also don't want her to continue talking to me the way she is, because it just upsets me. There is a nice way and a not-nice way to get the same point across. Guess which way she uses...

Nice: Are you feeling ok?
Not-Nice: Why are you so cranky?

Nice: What's wrong?
Non-Nice: What's wrong with you?

Nice: Is something the matter?
Not-Nice: Why are you being such an ass?

Nice: Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?
Not-Nice: Why don't you just go home?

Nice: Do you have another headache?
Not-Nice: Why do you have that look on your face?

The list goes on. But I won't.

Bye-Bye Pill

I have been off birth control for 3 days now and I can't believe the world of difference it has made on my outlook. I need to sit down and reflect on how crazy I have been the last few weeks - the emotional roller coaster that hormones have sent me on - just in case I need to go on the pill again (please no!). So here is a letter to me:

Me,
When you are on the Pill, everything seems larger and worse than it is. You have a tendency to snowball events. Your responses are legitimate, but your reactions are exaggerated - you spiral. This is not to say that you are wrong; your feelings are honest and true and very profound. This is to remind you to try, as much as possible, to keep your response contained to what upset you.

For example, last Saturday when Wife put 8 ounces of juice for the Kids when you both agreed to use only 4. Suddenly you knew she was untrustworthy. You doubted her respect for you. You were certain your marriage was doomed and Wife was a raving B. You cried. You were angry for hours. You didn't even talk to her about it because you knew you would blow up. I can tell you, now that I am no longer on the Pill, this does not seem like such a big deal. Maybe she forgot. Maybe she felt because the Kids were sick they needed some extra calories or sugar or both. Maybe she hasn't been respecting the agreement for 4 oz, but even that is ok. Just talk to her about it and try again. From this non-Pill viewpoint, it is about juice - and juice is not that big a deal.

Now if you are in this situation again, I wish you strength and courage. You don't have to discount your feelings and reactions - it is ok to be upset. But try to manage the disappointment and sadness. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if your reaction is doomsday - if so, you are probably overreacting. Follow your own advice tot he Kids and "use your words". In general, not on the Pill, you tend to address situations head-on. Faced with a sudden stressful situation, you collect your energy and zap-zap things like a superhero. You dodge when you have to, attack when necessary. You do not stand victim in the corner. (If you are cowering and playing victim, you are probably being overly dramatic.)

And good luck! It is a phase and you will get through it!

Love,
Me

Sham IVF clinic?

A few days (weeks?) ago I posted that I needed to stop reading other people's blogs and get on with my life. That lasted a few hours? Since then I have gone severely downhill and I may need an intervention. Because what I am finding is freaking me out. Is it possible I am using a sham IVF clinic?

Evidence 1: The rating system my clinic has for embryos, as explained and documented in an earlier post (I would love to learn how to link to it someday). I can't find this 4-rating system with 2 being the best anywhere! Maybe the doc made it up?

Evidence 2: The clinic's preference for a day-2 transfer. Everywhere else I look, especially at the successful IVF situations, uses a day-5 transfer. And when I asked the doc about this, he told me that research shows day-2 transfers are more successful. Not my research!

Evidence 3: The clinic did not give me a picture of my embryos. Granted, I forgot to ask. But when Wife did IVF, she was given a picture of the embryos automatically. Gee!

Evidence 4: The clinic says what you want to hear, but isn't always consistent. OK, maybe this isn't that different in a "real" clinic, but I wanted to vent about it anyway. Seriously, the doctor said it was an easy procedure to extract sperm under anesthesia if the more common donation method didn't show any swimmers. But when we did get some swimmers, doctor changed his tune and praised the fact that we avoided a painful procedure. Just doesn't instill confidence and trust.

Add to this some really fishy stuff about my doctor (the young, nice one) saying he would be out of the office/country for one week, maybe two, because his daughter was playing in a World Cup qualifying tournament for Trinidad and Tobago's women's soccer team. And then he was MIA for two months! A quick look at the Soca website (again, link would be cool) says the dates don't line up.

Finally, and for this I take total responsibility, I selected the clinic based on a radio commercial! I didn't check any of their references. I didn't check any medical degrees or doctor backgrounds. I liked the location (being only 45 minutes away) and the fact that they would see my donor on a Saturday. What a ridiculous reason to choose something that costs over $20,000! (I scoured the Internet for reviews when I bought my toaster - why would I not do that for this???)

So here's where the dilemma comes in. Do I keep asking questions and see what kind of creative answers (aka crap) the clinic spews or do I just shrug it off an move on? I have pre-paid for 2 IVF cycles, and I have no other money. It is not like I have a lot of options. It is just so weird!

Random Update

Today I took my last Birth Control Pill -- let's just hope the upcoming embryo transfer is successful so I never have to take birth control again! I am dreading the next stage: Lupron only. During the egg retrieval process, I got the worst headaches on Lupron only. I was so ouchy. I reminded Wife of this yesterday when I let her in on how injections were going and her response was, literally, "Great!" with two thumbs up and cheesy grin. I suppose it could have been worse.

I am trying really hard to be hopeful, but really I am not. At first I thought it was because I was scared to be hopeful, and I would rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed again. But I don't think that is it - I am truly not hopeful that it will work. What evidence do I have? Only 18 months of trying. Now I know that the first 12 months didn't work because of sperm issues, and the next 6 months consisted entirely of 1 (yes 1!) IVF attempt, so there isn't really a track record here. In fact, there is no evidence to support my feeling that it won't work. So I have to change my thinking. I do believe in the power of the mind on the body. So somehow I need to concentrate on the lack of evidence, on the lack of a reason to think it won't work. It really could work. I mean, it will work?

I scoured the Internet yesterday looking for a blog about a lesbian who got pregnant from a Frozen Embryo Transfer. I spent a little over an hour. I found a lot of interesting blogs that I might look into more later, but no FET success story. Finally I emailed a friend that I knew was pregnant (second child) from IVF, and it reassured me to learn that hers was an FET. So obviously it can happen. (On a side note, I just found out another friend is pregnant. I am trying really hard to be happy for her - I mean, I am happy for her, really excited, but I am trying really hard not to be sad for me at the same time.)

Meanwhile, I continue to lack direction and focus at work or home. And I would really like a few hours to myself. Hmm...I wonder how I can work that in.

Can I Let it Go?

A few days ago (two days ago to be exact) I tried to make the resolve to be happy. To recognize that I have a lot to be happy about, and I can focus on that rather than dwell on what is not going well or worse yet, what might not go well.
It is amazing how a morning with two dogs, two cats and two 3.5 year olds can sap that resolve right out of you. Instead I have spent the morning wondering how I got in this situation. (I should have gotten rid of the demanding, farting, barfing animals years ago.) And will my children always be this whiny? Why do they break down and cry so much? Am I doing something wrong? Did I make a bad choice letting Wife stay home and take care of them? Because she is not the brightest bulb, so it is no surprise that they are not the smartest children. I get all wrapped up -- they are still young and they don't need to know their letters or sounds or even their numbers (which they used to know but don't anymore) yet. What they need is a desire to learn -- which I am not sure they have. OK, they don't even need that. They can be less-smart children and do fine. It is just harder that way. But seriously, how can I expect them to flourish with someone who didn't know New Jersey was a state, who doesn't know the colors in a rainbow and can't remember if the time change to Chicago is "up" or "down" even though we go there at least once a year and often more. BUT! There are smart people who come from less-than-inspiring parents all the time, and the reverse is true too --- so why am I stressing about this???
I know it is ridiculous. I know there is nothing I want to do about it (I don't believe in shoving learning down kids' throats). Can I just let it go? I am going to blame this freak-out on the Pill and Lupron. Woo hoo!

Long Story Short

Illness has been kicking my butt. I have no voice, I have a huge headache and every-so-often snot runs willy-nilly out of my nose. It is not pretty. Add to this two sick Kids and one sick Wife and it might be clearer why I am disturbed. I can't sleep. I can't stay awake.

Yet there is so much to report. I just can't tell if I should give the glowing "everything is great blog" version or the "woe is me blog" version. Hmmm...I'll try to just stick to the facts.

Wife ran the Nike Women's Marathon last weekend. She went to San Francisco on Friday, and I spent my first night solo with the Kids. Isn't that funny - I have never been alone with them overnight. Wife has only left them for 2 nights in 3 years, ad both were only to spend time alone with me. Well, nothing exciting happened. I was already sick so I didn't even get to have fun. I just fed and bathed the Kids, put them to bed and went to sleep myself. Ho hum. (Guess it is better than some scary or sad story, so I will take it. But I did spend a bit of time walking up and down the hall thinking "Is this it? Did I forget something?" It seemed kinda easy...)

The next morning Kids and I went to San Francisco and the drive was very educational for Boy, who learned the when you pass a car on his side, they are in the Wrong Lane. He was in a maniacal "why" mode -
Me: You were born in San Francisco.
Boy: Why?
Me: We used to live in San Francisco.
Boy: Why?
Me: We are almost there.
Boy: Why?
Me: Is anyone hungry?
Boy: Why?
It was driving me insane! Not to be outdone, Girl was in rampant "are we there yet" mode. She got smart to the "Does it look like we are there yet?" response by saying "Yes, I see the hotel - Mom, why aren't you stopping?" and then tears. Kids were sick too, so nobody had too much fun on the drive. Still, could have been worse. Only 1 potty stop!

So we all (Me, Kids and Mother-in-Law) stayed with Wife in the city for the weekend. At the onset, we did not know how many germs had traveled with us, intent on keeping us up all night, but we jammed into the hotel room and made it a party. It was actually really fun to be back in the city. It felt good to know my way around and feel like I was at my home -- it was in contrast to Wife's friends from home who seemed like Fish-out-of-water and Wife who was cranky about it. (She always hated downtown.)

On Saturday we went to a pre-run dinner where Boy fell asleep due to lack of nap and fever, while Girl was alternately hyper/smiley and crashing/whiney. I took both Kids (in stroller) to the back while Wife and MIL got motivated. It was kinda funny to be in the back with all the dads watching the kids go crazy. We got good sleep from 11 - 2, then it was lots of coughing, crying, peeing until Wife got up at 3:50 to get ready for her race. She left at 4:30 and I was hoping for more sleep but was thwarted by wet pull-up at 5:15 and awake Kid at 6:25. Soon we were all awake for the day.

I made sure everyone had instructions before heading out to see Wife on her journey. I saw her briefly at mile 14, from across the street at a red light as she passed through the park. She was running and looking good. I was pissed it took me so long to find parking that I'd missed her. So I drove on and after a bit of a struggle, found another spot not too far from mile 17. I stood in the rain waiting for her, dreading that she had already passed me. As I waited, the time when she definitely should have made mile 17, based on when she was at 14, passed. Then a little more time passed. Sure, it had started raining pretty hard but Wife was definitely slowing down.

Eventually she made it to mile 17 (and I say eventually not because she was slow, but because I was cold and worried - she did an amazing job!) and I asked if she wanted me to run a bot with her. Her face lit up, so I did. I had planned all these things to say to her to keep her on track, focused and not mad at me. And it worked! I have always felt that if Wife's labor had gone past a few hours, I would have died. I felt so useless beside her laboring. I would tell to to "Just breathe" and she would give me this look like "don't say another f-ing thing, I am ready to beat you Woman!" and then I would be quiet and the nurse would look at me like "Do something - are you a sack of potatoes?" Wife was simply miserable and I was quite ineffective in helping her. Not so at the marathon. I distracted her. I motivated her. I stuck with her for 9.2 miles and helped her finish in time to get the Necklace - the prize for finishing within 8 hours. Yes, that is right. Wife ran for 7 hours and 55 minutes. She was very tired at the end and hurting Big Time, but she did it. And I helped her. That feels great!

But I do have to point out that I am a bit impressed at myself too. I have not exercised in at least 6 months - and by exercise I mean do anything! I have been to the gym MAYBE 20 times in the past 5 years. Yes, it has been that long. I used to play soccer. But after 5 ACL injuries and 10 knee surgeries, I don't do any of that anymore. And yet I ran 9 miles. Sure I am a little sore, but I wasn't even that tired. I know I could have done a half marathon - with no training. Is that weird? Can most people do it but they don't know it? Sure, we weren't going that fast either. But distance is distance, right? OK, I am proud of myself.

But back to the weekend. Because that afternoon, I ramped up to SuperMom status by bringing Kids and MIL back to hotel (Wife took shuttle) and then going out to get lunch for everyone - then taking care of Kids while Wife and MIL rested, making sure MIL had everything organized to take care of Kids while I took Wife to post-run party, where she drank so much she doesn't remember getting back to the hotel. (So sad that we had nice snuggly moments on the walk back that she will never remember....) And I pulled night duty taking care of crying, peeing Kids again. And next morning I took care of Kids and packed while Wife and MIL stayed in bed. So it really is no wonder that I lost SuperMom status due to excessive crankiness just before leaving the city to return to work. With laryngitis. And a fever.

And that is how the last 2 days have been, except that I get to start Lupron injections tomorrow morning for the FET the day before Thanksgiving. So over a month on Lupron - no thrills for anyone there. But really what I have been trying to say this whole post is that I deserve for this to work. It is Wife's turn to take care of me. I am a busy women with a good heart, and I am ready to be pregnant for a while. Thanks.

On the Road to Something Good

I am forcing myself to write today although I don't "feel" the need. I am actually resistant to writing. I had bad news on the baby-front. They weren't going to let me do the Frozen Embryo Transfer until December 9 - and that is just too far away! So I complained and just today found out they can move me up to November 24. Still a ways away but overall makes me happier. Man I hope it works this time.

So I am back on The Pill, which means cranky Me. Moody Me. Not Fun Me. But on the road to something good, I hope.

Not much more to report. I blame it on The Pill.

Snap Out of It!

Have you ever been so cranky it scares you? You know that you are going to be impatient and short with the next person who speaks to you? And you don't know how to get over it? That is me right now.

I have to get it together. I am in serious need of a break - from work, from my family, from responsibility. Is it ok to say I need a break from my family? I am so busy doing what I need to do or have to do that I am not able to enjoy anything. And this is a problem. I need to step off for a moment so I can figure out what I want to do - and I can't figure out how to take the time I need to do this. I feel as though I am spinning, and it is getting faster and faster, and I know that soon I am going to fly off and that it will not be pretty. Who knows where I am going to land and how much it will hurt. Do I just jump now, before I start going even faster? Or do I just hold on and hope that eventually "the ride" ends on its own?

I have been reading a lot of other blogs, mostly parents of twins, and I think I need to stop for 2 reasons: (1) I need the time to focus on my life rather, and (2) reading them makes me feel less by comparison. Seriously, how can a mom of twins plus 1, all under 3, have time to make a wonderful anniversary video on top of Positive Discipline and Equally Shared Parenting? Today is Wife's birthday, and I know I dropped the ball on the celebration. My gift was impersonal (she would have wanted a photo collage or movie - both ideas I started but failed to finish), my card bland (I just don't have the love for her flowing right now), the cake icky (I accidentally bought the sugar free mix) and the activity non-existent (I wanted to take her zip-lining but waited too long to make reservations so the tours are all sold out). I am such a lame and terrible Wife!

I have a list of other "family responsibility" items I need to do and I just keep adding to it - at some point I am going to actually have to do them. But I don't have the energy. I don't have the motivation. I am so blah! Really need to snap out of it!

So here is my action plan:
(1) Pick 3 things from my To Do list to accomplish THIS AFTERNOON.
(2) Find birthday weekend activity and purchase tickets (and this doesn't count as something from To Do list).
(3) Think of one more fun and personal birthday gift to bring home to Wife.
(4) Take 20 minutes before going home to have a short "me" time.

Mixed Bag

First off, I want to say that I am actually really proud of how well I am coping. Of course I know that finding out one is not pregnant is not the end of the world. There are SOO many worse things. But I tend to be pretty depressive, and I thought I would be quite bad off if this thing happened. Which it did. And I am ok.

I guess that is what karma is about - teaching you the lesson you needed to learn. That I can be just fine even upon this big disappointment. That it isn't the end of the world. And we will just try again next month.

Aha! So there is the rub. I was caught off-guard by another disappointing sock in the gut this morning, after getting Aunt Flo (with an souped-up over-hormone vengeance) when I called the IVF clinic. Last Friday, when they gave me the news that the test was negative, I asked when we could try again with the frozen embryos (aka my future babies - yes, I said babies. I think it is just better to go with that thought now, but I digress...) Anyway, the doctor said we could tr right away, there was no need to wait, I should call as soon as I got my period.

So for some reason, I got in my head the idea that we could try again in 2 weeks - at the time I would ovulate. Sure, thinking about it now, that assumption does seem pretty silly. Why do I need to ovulate? We are putting already fertilized embryos into me. We don't need to match my cycle - of course! I can say this now! But it really came as a bit of a shock this morning when I found out that they will "write up a calendar" to prepare for a transfer in 6-8 weeks. 6-8 weeks? That sucks! I really thought I would have another chance in 2 weeks. Now I have to start birth control pills (BCP) and then the Lupron and then who knows what else. I am so bummed about this!

Well, I read that some people do "natural" Frozen Embryo Transfers (FET) without the BCP and shots - just wait until your body is ovulating so that your uterus is doing what is would naturally to get ready for the embryo. I really like this idea. I am seriously considering talking to the clinic to see if it is a possibility. Part of my worries about "wasting" the precious embryos - if I only have 8 should I prep and prime myself as much as possible (that is, using lots of drugs), or should I put faith in my body to do what it needs to do on its own? I want to trust my body to have everything that it needs. But (and this is actually a big BUT) there is a high probability that my body would be naturally ovulating on the day or weekend of Wife's marathon that she has been training for for over 2 months. So maybe I go the druggie route. Oooh, I am so not looking forward to the Lupron. And it means we could be in December before I get to try again. Crap!

No Dice

It was negative.
It was negative.
(It still doesn't look right!)

I can't believe I wasted an open bar at my friend's wedding last weekend. I can't believe these things I am feeling are just PMS. This sucks! Urgh - all the phone calls I have to make. Maybe an email will do. What a crapper!

Later that day....
I am still processing, sad but trying not to let it get to me too much. Really thinking I need to refocus on my life (especially professionally), which I have been not exactly ignoring but not really paying attention to either. But I thought I would just capture the random thoughts that are floating in my head, so maybe I can get them out of there?
1- Should go I have a cup of coffee? What would caffeine do to me after not having a drip of it for almost 3 weeks. And in my fragile emotional state, will it make me too jittery and flighty? Should I just have a smoke instead? It has been WAY longer for that and it is certain to make me jittery and buzzed.
2- I just got this image of my future child or children in the freezer at the IVF clinic. They are on ice waiting for me to be ready. If anyone in the uni-sphere can please tell me when that would be, I would greatly appreciate it.
3 - I made the right choice with the 2-cycle pre-pay plan, so the next two (or so) tries with the frozen embryos not only won't cost anything, they are actually going to be putting more money in my pocket as I am able to submit more charges to insurance for reimbursement. So now it is like I am going to be paid to get pregnant. (Gotta love how insurance works!)

Just a Thin Thread of Hope Left

Wednesday night: Peed on a Stock (POAS) - negative
Thursday night: POAS - negative
Friday morning: POAS - negative
So why do I still feel as though I am pregnant?

Well, it will be over in less than 3 hours. I had the blood drawn at 8. The nurse made it seem unlikely to be positive. And yet I maintain that thin little thread of hope. Wife holds tightly to the idea. She won't even entertain the idea that I might not be pregnant. Says I have been acting different (spacey, etc) and is oblivious to the idea that I be spacey because I am distracted about the idea of being (or not being) pregnant, but whatever - she always has her own ideas. It is actually one of the reasons I am (was?) attracted to her. In any event, a part of me is already mourning.

I was really looking forward to the beautiful symmetry of a pregnancy now. Boy and Girl were conceived via IVF the same week 4 years ago. And this would make a lovely June birthday. If I am not pregnant, I need to take a month off to allow my body to rest from the hormones. So now we are looking at an August birthday. Up through October is ok. But I think kids born in November or December, even early January, get shafted. October is tough for school - either the oldest or the youngest.

I suppose no matter what the news, either way, the call is going to bring me some relief so that at least I know and I don't have to wonder any more. It's too bad I am not busier at work to take my mind off of things. Instead I get to pull at, unravel, grasp onto that last thin thread.

Woohoo!

I made it through another work day without testing. This is a big feat for this Bad At Waiting gal. I think I am going to test tomorrow morning though.

Meanwhile, preparing for a session with Wife and Counselor. Not sure if I should toe the party line and say things are fine or open a can worms that will surely land me feeling Lonely and Angry. At this exact moment, things with Wife are fine. I feel Lonely and Ok. That is better than Lonely and Angry. But to break out of Lonely I am going to need to reestablish a connection, which may require uglier days before it gets better. I just don't know if I have the energy for it.

On a brighter note, I ran across some thoughts on Equal Parenting (I'll add a link when I figure out how) that really intrigued me. That opened my mind to me role as parent, teaching and parenting, while I am at work. Parenting is not only done when yo are with the kids. So I am definitely going to look into that more and how it could help me feel better about the roles Wife and I play.

Not Testing, Yet

So I had the realization last night as I drove home that there is very little good that can come out of my doing a HPT. Sure, I can easily imagine the almost candy-like experience of peeing on the stick and watching it turn to "Pregnant." And then I would have a positive stick as my souvenir. That is the upside. The downside? I could get a negative, and then I have two days of living in Funk until my bloodwork on Friday. So with this in mind, I formulated a plan. I will test on Friday, right before my bloodwork. That way I get to possibly have the experience, but I also don't have to wait too long to hear actual results.

That *was* my plan anyway. I called my sister and left this plan on her answering machine since she was (somehow?) busy with her own life or her own 5 kids. I was bummed. Then I told my plan to Wife. Her first reaction, other than to smile, was to ask "Did you come up with this yourself?" Then she said she was really proud of me when I said I had. Hmm... And so my plan was in place.

Until this morning. Quick talk with my sister while she was chaperoning a play date. Her take: a negative test just means it was too early. If I could keep that in mind and not go Freaky, there really is no harm in doing the test. She got 2 negatives on one of her kids. It was just too early. And then she had to go.

Meanwhile, gears are starting to shift in my head. Could I approach the results like this? Could I avoid Funk and go for Glory? I am dying to run to the bathroom at work and peed on that blasted stick already. It is like a scab I am only just by the skin of my teeth able to stop picking. Or a bruise that I am dying to push just to see if it still hurts, but somehow I am able to resist, only barely. But I think about All The Time.

The only thing that really keeps me back is wanting to use my first morning pee. Otherwise I would SOO be there already!

Fear of Optimism - what's that about?

So it has been a few days since posts, mostly because I have had big problems getting out of my head. I am so consumed with the idea of being pregnant, the fear of not being pregnant, the anxiety of both. In some ways I wish I were able to be the stoic type who kept it all in, but no, I have a big mouth. So I have told everyone and their brother (except for at work) that I am trying to get pregnant, which means that I kinda set myself up - kinda. Everyone wants an email on Wednesday (tomorrow!) when I pee on a stick. The official blood test by the doctor isn't until Friday. But the doctor said a HPT might be accurate on Wednesday. Of course I am an inpatient fool so I peed on a stick yesterday. It was negative. I was devastated. I don't know what to think now. Wife says I am still acting weird and she knows I am pregnant. Acupuncture-clairvoyant acted as though I were pregnant. Am I? I am SOOO bad at waiting. I am talking rally, really bad. I can't sleep. I can't work. I should have just taken this week off.

So then I got to thinking about how I finally feel physically ok - which of course scares me, maybe I am not pregnant because I no longer feel anything different - and I am already into my next complaint. I was feeling so awfully uncomfortable last week. Just crazy yucky. And it seems like ages ago. A lot has happened in the last two weeks. Two weeks ago I took my last stim shot - I was still growing eggs! So maybe I need to cut myself some slack and S L O W down. I can see myself going through the entire pregnancy jumping from one complaint to another and getting to the end and realizing I forgot to enjoy it. How sad!

So I am going to attempt a shift of perspective. I would like to capture the moment as I am experiencing it, to still be honest and not just fluff, but I would SOOO love it if I were able to recognize the good parts of the experience too. (Disclaimer: this idea scares the crap out of me. I don't know why I am having that reaction. My first reaction was I don't know how to do this. But I realized that I do have the capacity to do it. I am resourceful and I can figure out a way if I am committed to it. And then whoosh - fear. What is that about?)

Sleep Issue 1, Mom 0

Really I shouldn't even pretend to keep score because the true tally would be so far out of my favor. Incredibly unbalanced towards Kids. Things had been going better. I had been able to get both Kids to sleep in about 40 minutes, without losing my temper. I had a good thing going where I repeated to myself "Your job is just to be here for them. They will fall asleep eventually. Your role is not to get mad - stay calm."

But something changed last week when both kids were sick and not sleeping well, and now neither is falling asleep without serious effort. They just don't want to sleep. (I don't think they are doing enough during the day, especially with Wife feeling sick so they watch a lot of tv and hang out at the house.) So they are not quite tired enough? or maybe it is a growth spurt or maybe them falling asleep relatively easily for a few weeks was just a fluke. Either way, things suck now. And still, I was doing a good job of not getting mad, staying calm and seeing it through. I can handle 30 minutes pretty easily. Around 40 minutes my blood does start to boil, though, and I wonder how I can actually DISLIKE my kids so much? Why won't they just stuck the F up, close their eyes and go to sleep? Why do they push me so much? It literally drives me batty and yet today, I was doing such a great job of not reacting, not getting caught up in it. And so it escalated. When Boy didn't get a reaction out of me, he stepped it up a notch. He started screaming for me, whining, begging and pleading for a new shirt. I maintained my calmness and told him "night night" like they say. "Don't engage - say nothing or night night" But this just made him more mad, and his pleading took on a tortured edge. He finally calmed down from the frantic begging to ask me more calmly for a new shirt. And I did what I thought was right - I laid him back down, gently (even though I wanted to wring his neck) and did not engage. I sat by his bed while he screamed and cried. And that is where I was when Wife came in their bedroom and asked what I was doing. Told me Boy had screamed and asked nicely and I needed to respond to him. So I left the bedroom and told her she could do it her way. Her response? I don't remember the exact words, but something along the lines of "No, I am not doing it. But you better do it my way or I am going to come in and undermine you again." At this point both Kids are screaming for Wife, and I think I can try to get them to sleep, but the second I walk in the bedroom I know I am going to lose it with them and I don't want to do that. I don't want to yell at them any more. I don't want to end the day mad at them and them knowing I am mad and unhappy with them. So I tell them I love them, it is time to go to sleep and I leave the room. I go in our bathroom because I don't know what else to do. I hear Wife go in with the Kids, so I go for a walk. I needed to get out. It felt good.

But honestly, I just don't know what to do. I have no F-ing clue what I am doing, and I am so sick of getting nailed for trying. I know I don't like how things are. I don't like how things have been. I can't say I have been parenting consistent with my parenting philosophy, and I have no clue if Wife even has an idea how she wants to parent. Well, maybe she has an idea but I seriously doubt that she cares about not being a better parent. I don't think she has a problem with yelling at the Kids. I don't think she has a problem with belittling them. She clearly does not have a problem with bribery or getting them to listen only when a Token is involved. And she is terribly overprotective. And rigid and controlling. And for all her love, she is not very nurturing. She is not very supportive. She thinks the world of Kids, and danger to anyone (including me) who tries to criticize them. But she doesn't really build their esteem very much. Instead she holds them back - doesn't let them try new things and experience successes and failures.

A friend emailed me this evening - we were possibly watching her twins for a night while she and her wife celebrated their anniversary. She declined our offer. (Granted, she got a better offer. Another friend is going to stay at her house so her kids can be in their own beds, etc. But something tells me she shopped for this better solution.) But the truth is, I don't blame her. I don't know how I would feel leaving my kids in our house. That's a pretty bad sign. But what am I going to do about it? Well, as my accupuncturist would say, that is the question you need to sit with until you have the answer. Sitting. Sitting.

So I am finally starting to emerge from my severe hormonal funk. At least I hope this is the start of something more even, and I REALLY hope this isn't a sign that I am not pregnant. I still feel a lot going on "down there" but not the same sort of cramping. There hasn't been any spotting or anything. I am so superstitious about this all. Is it bad to want to so much?

So I am feeling better emotionally, MUCH more patient with the Kids this morning. But I still cant' muster up any enthusiasm for work. Really. I have spent the day reading blogs and paying bills and just generally wasting time. I might say I can't wait until it's time to go home, but that is when my real work begins - I don't get a free second to sit down from when I walk in the door until Wife does bath. The Kids are so excited to see me (yes, it does feel wonderful) and they just want to play (and yes, I do feel bad that sometimes it seems like a chore) I am just so tired! I can't tell you what I am tired from, except maybe boredom, but it is really hard to get up the energy to play with them. I am sure this is all part of the depression I am experiencing. My abdomen hurts so I am not comfortable getting up and down, and I am too sensitive to play rough and tumble. But honestly, it is the whining that gets to me most. When did my children become such whiners? Is it the age or is it the temperament or it is that I didn't wipe it out at the beginning? I am leaning toward temperament. But how annoying is that?

So I do have a project. I am alarmed at how much juice my kids drink. Wife does not share my views that juice is evil. She does water it down (1 part juice to 3 parts water) but since Kids drink cups and cups of this mixture, they are drinking a lot of juice! I don't think she knows how much it all adds up. So that is my project for this afternoon. And hopefully someday soon I will have the nerve to approach Wife about it, and hopefully she will not rip me a new one and we an come to an appropriate, mature decision that reflects both our parenting desires. Ha!

Is it Me?

OK, so I am just an emotional wreck right now and I am so frustrated with Wife, who just seems to leave me hanging all the time. And I can't figure out if it is just me being overly emotional and sensitive or if she is underly emotional and insensitive. Tonight was not a good night for me and the kids. Normal routine includes bath at 7, books at 7:30, in bed by 8 and it is anyone's guess what time kids actually fall asleep while I sit in the room, alternately holding Girl's hand and sitting on the edge of Boy's bed. We do not have good sleepers and we have a whole slew of bad habits that prolong the process (long story that I might go into someday, but probably not - it is what it is). Anyway, Wife has been giving Kids the bath so I get a few minutes of rest between work/dinner and being in the bedroom for at least an hour. Tonight I thought I would be nice and offered to do bath since Wife had a soccer game at 8:50 (who plans a game that late???) for the second day in a row and she was exhausted. Well, bath was what it was, a little more animated than when Wife does it, but they got clean, in pjs, finished books, in bed, and then kids would not go to sleep. At all. They would not stop talking. They would not stop jumping out of bed. They would not even try to lay down. They had no intention of pretending to try to fall asleep, and although I am not proud of it, I lost it. I yelled. I got mad. I made things worse. Finally at 9pm I stepped out of the room to try to settle myself and see if they would possibly calm down and we could start again. Bad idea! Things got more hectic, and it was not pretty. I feel terrible for losing my temper (I had been getting so much better about it) and I am exhausted and honestly, I am still pretty mad at the kids. I am ashamed that I dislike them so much when they don't listen, but that is just the way it is. And right now I am not happy with Kids and I have no desire to see them or have fun with them tomorrow. I know, I need to get over it - they are just doing what is developmentally appropriate or what I am teaching them is acceptable. I should not hold it against them. I just don't know how to get over their little laughing faces when they are knowingly misbehaving. I take it personally. I don't know how not to. So they finally fell asleep at 10pm, and I feel like Crap (with a capital C).

So around 10:30 Wife comes home from game. I am in the living room checking email when she walks in. I ask how her game was (it sucked, they got pummeled), I mention that she looks tired (defeated actually) and she mentions that she is sore. She goes into bedroom. I know she will not ask me how my evening was because she doesn't ask questions like that. The Animals start acting a bit crazy so she comes through the living room to let the Dogs out, while asking me if I have been ignoring them because they are a bit hyper. On her way back, I mention that if by chance the kids wake up early (which they have been doing with a vengeance), they are all hers. I told her I had a tough night and they didn't fall asleep until 10. She says "fine" - literally, "fine" and walks away. Now don't you think this is an opportunity for Wife to be supportive? "I am sorry you had a tough time. Do you want to talk about it?" or even "I am so tired I can't deal with it right now, but that sucks - I hope it is better tomorrow." Something! Seriously, "fine"? But wait, it gets better. Because Wife passes back through a little while later to let Dogs in, and after thinking about it a little more, her response is now "You might want to rethink your bath routine." What a bitch! I had a hard night, and apparently now it is my fault and nope, still no sympathy or empathy. Am I reading too much into this? Is she saying that I fucked it up starting with bath and that I kinda deserve the hard night I had getting the kids to sleep? Because that is kinda shitty.

And here is the real rub. I am so getting close to talking with her about these things - about how I feel and standing up for myself even though I know it will bring an onslaught of her defensiveness and even greater levels of accusations and nastiness. But with these crazy hormones running through me, I don't trust my impressions. Maybe it wasn't that awful. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I did fuck things up and she is actually being helpful?

How do I learn to trust Who I Am when I don't?

It's Official...

I am leaking white stuff from my cooch. Yuck! Oh, and I am depressed. Urgh! Not the "gee I am sad, things are kinda sour right now" type of depression. I get the "my whole life is pointless and I am such a waste, I have no energy to do anything and I don't deserve anything anyway" type. I had been doing so well. And I can't tell if this is because I am pregnant (which I SOOOO want to believe) or because my body is already laughing at me and knows I am not pregnant (which really seems like a stretch, but seems so feasible with my doomsday goggles on). I mean really, I feel pregnant. I am so exhausted. I am hungry. I can't keep a coherent thought in my head for longer than a minute. (And my typing is horrendous - I am not simply reversing letters; I put the second letter at the end of a 6-letter word - what is going on here?) But then again, it could just be a result of the white stuff oozing out between my thighs.

I'm Dying to Test

OK, so technically I have been pregnant for 48 hours, and I am dying to see that little positive test. I know that if I peed on a stick right now I would get it - due to the remaining trigger and the wonderful little progesterone suppositories I am stuffing up my snatch. (BTW, I am not pleased about those. So far I haven't had the leaking cream or powder, but I am wearing a little liner in my undies just in case, and I HATE the feel of paper and padding between my thighs. My cooch likes cotton.) But back to being pregnant. I do not feel it. I feel bloated and miserable. My ovaries must be the size of lemons and I can feel smoosh everything when I sit down. I get jabby pain in my left side (mostly) when I get up too quickly. And I can't fit in any of my pants. This part sucks! I am tired and cranky. Yesterday all I wanted to do was cry. TOO MANY HORMONES! Instead I went to the County Fair and I tried really hard to have fun. I pretended to have fun. Really I just wanted to be in bed or under a rock.

I don't understand why I am not getting more enjoyment from being around my kids. They are driving me batty -- too much whining, crying, complaining...talking. They talk nonstop about nothing and you have to concentrate really hard to figure out what they are saying, but then they talk at the same time and all they are really saying is how they are not happy about what we are doing. It is so annoying! Wife says I am too short-tempered with them right now, and that I am the only one who doesn't see them as well-behaved, wonderful children. I wish I did. When we go to a friend's house, all I see is how aggressive Boy is. He jumps on everyone and everybody, and he tries to negotiate out of restrictions/rules. He is sensitive and quick to melt down when he doesn't get his way or when he gets in trouble. And he is bossy! (In short, he is just like me, or particularly how I was at that age.) Meanwhile Girl is actually pretty easy right now. Still really hard to understand and always wants to be doing something different than everybody else, but not too bad. Maybe I struggle most with the kids now because Boy pushes all my buttons because of our similarities whereas Wife is so much more like Girl. Or maybe it is because I am a hot cranky mess.

I need to be drinking more water - urgh , please no more water or Gatorade. I should be thinking positive thoughts - but I just want to sleep. Somebody please help me concentrate at work so I can get something productive accomplished!

IVF Update: Egg Transfer

I am so proud of my little embryos! We went to the doctor this morning for Transfer and Dr. Personality actually turned into Dr. Niceguy. He was surprised but full of support and even cracking a few jokes. So he started off by saying that we overcame two major obstacles (little reaction to stimulation and poor sperm quality) but he is very impressed with the results. Of the 10 eggs that fertilized, all 10 are at 4 cells now. (It is normal to lose a few or have a few delayed.) Also, the embryologist rates each embryo on a scale of 1-4. A 4 never results in a pregnancy. A 1 rarely does, so a 2 or 3 is good, with a 2 being better than a 3. Of my 10, seven got a rating of 2 and three have a rating of 3. Woo hoo! And then there is another issue (I can't remember exactly what is is called but I think it might have been fracturing )- where little bits float off and kinda mill around. The goal is less than 10% floating, and all 10 of mine had 0% floating. Again, woo hoo! I am so proud of my little embryos!

So then Dr. Niceguy gave us the numbers. We easily took 1 and 4 embryos off the table. Too low and too high. If we transfer 2, we have a 38% chance of a pregnancy. Eeks - that doesn't seem too high. But we have less than 1% chance of triplets. If we transfer 3 embryos, we have a 60% chance of getting pregnant (better!) but a 35% chance of triplets. Yikes! It is weird how 38% chance of something you want seems low but 35% chance of something you don't want seems high. Math is so much more than simply numbers!

So we went with 2. 2 beautiful, wonderful embryos sitting in my cozy uterus, just embarking on implantation. Now we have to wait two weeks (two weeks!!!) for the blood work to see if I am pregnant or not. I am so not good with waiting.

On the homefront, Wife has been super easy to be around, and she has also been really nice to take over some of the things I usually do, such as put the kiddos to bed at night. Such a relief not to have to deal with that right now. I slept most of the afternoon and she was totally ok with that. Kids have been great at not jumping on my and taking it way around me too. I forgot to mention that we decorated my tummy this morning before going in for the transfer. Wife and Kids each put their hands on my stomach just over my uterus and Wife made outlines in Sharpee. Then they each colored them in. We told the kids about how we were going to the doctor to try to make a baby and that this way the baby will know that Big Brother and Bog Sister are excited to have a baby. Kids loved it. When I got home first thing The Boy asked was if I had a baby in my tummy. Man I hope so!

IVF Update: Fertilization

Despite the odds, and in spite of Dr. Personality's diagnosis of less-than-good sperm, 10 of my 14 eggs fertilized. Woo hoo! So now we will likely have several extra to put on ice after tomorrow's transfer. That's right, transfer is tomorrow. It seems so soon. I originally thought it would be Sunday, and we had childcare all lines up and plans to go to the County Fair, etc. But plans change and this would be so exciting if it weren't so scary.

I went to the accupuncturist today for a final tune up/tune in and I feel very in touch with my fertile side. My uterus is glowing green and gold, ready for embryos to find a safe and cozy home, to nuzzle in and grow into little fetuses. Eeks - I can't seem to get away from thinking in plural. I am 85% sure I want just one baby. But when it comes down to it, I want 2 babies much more than I want none, so I just don't know how much to risk it. The big question will be how many embryos to transfer. I just don't know! I am hoping the embryologist can give me some good mathematical percentages that I can grasp onto - I would like to transfer as many as it takes to have a 60% chance of pregnancy. Rather, how many would it take to have no more than 100% total. For example (and I am making these numbers completely up), if I transfer 1 there is a 35% chance of pregnancy and 0% chance of twins. If I transfer 2 there is a 50% chance of pregnancy and a 20% chance of twins. (50 + 20 <100 = Not high enough). If I transfer 3 there is a 65% chance of pregnancy, a 35% chance of twins and a 10% chance of triplets (65 + 35 + 10 > 100 = too high). But hopefully the numbers will be different and I can get something in the 80s or 90s. That's the goal.

Meanwhile, things on the home front are much better. I am feeling nicer toward Wife and I really appreciate how I was able to sleep all day yesterday. I am not getting frustrated and inpatient with Kids because I slept all day yesterday. So if I can just sleep for the next few weeks I think we will all be good.

And shout out to the ethos - please wish me luck tomorrow!

IVF Update: Egg Retrieval

So I meant to blog yesterday but I was simply too drugged out. I had my egg retrieval, which was SO much better than I thought it would be. I took my Valium like a good girl and was pleasantly "dulled" when I got into the office. Getting the IV sucked - two pricks before it worked - but seriously, that was the worst part. The doctor came in, not my regular doctor who is out of town, but Mr. Personality who told me my right ovary was a dud. Anyway, I liked him better this time because he gave me serious numbing drugs and I was a silly mess. I don't remember what garbage I was talking about - but I am pretty sure none of it made sense. They gave me some local anesthesia shots on my ovaries (I think - remember, very drugged out) which were like little pinches but not too bad. Then they put what I later learned was a BIG ASS NEEDLE up my cooch and started sucking out eggs. You could see the needle poke into the little follicles and shrink them up. Slurp slurp several times and then they were done. Well, there was some "clean up" which I really didn't want to think about bleeding and suck, so I ignored that part. Meanwhile I just hope they are staring at my vagina and not my flaming hemorrhoids.
So doctor does a count and says he expects about 5 eggs to be mature, and anything above that is gravy. But he will be back in about 20 minutes to tell us the count. So we wait. And about 20 minutes later Dr. Personality comes back and says, "I don't know where they came from, but we got 14 eggs." Holy crap! That is pretty exciting news! So with the help of the nurse, I slowly get up, put my clothes back on and even though they tell me not to eat anything until we get home, and to avoid fatty foods for the rest of the day, Wife and I go to Jack in the Box. I mean seriously, I need some fat, warm food in me.
I then go home and sleep for hours. Pretty good sleep too.

Cold night

So last night I went to a friend's house in the evening, after all kids were asleep, and normally this would have been a rejuvenating event - a reconnection that almost always makes me feel instantly better. Instead I feel like a dud. I was boring, critical, dwelling on sad things - just not somebody I would want to be around. I really hope this is a result of the IVF-hormones. Please don't let this be the new me. What scares me is that this is the second time it has happened with this particular friend. So maybe there is something boring about the friendship - where we are not yet at the point where we can call each other on the crap we spew (we have only known each other about a year). Or maybe we won't get to that point? Urgh - I hate the emotional strangle-hold I feel under.

Because when I got home, my wife was sitting on the couch, which is right next to the front door, and when I came in the house, she didn't even say hi. And this made me to sad/pissed me off! And then when I said hi and tried to engage her, I noticed that the dog was on the couch. So we just moved to a new house (rental - bummer!) a few weeks ago, and one change that I have been trying hard to implement is not letting the dogs go on the couch anymore. I am sick of the couch and pillows and blankets smelling like dog. Apparently I am the only one. So last night when I see Wife with dog and I say, "What is Dog doing on the couch?" and Wife replies "It's not a big deal - she hasn't been feeling well" this just sent me over the edge of Sometimes-I-Can't-Stand-My-Wife. Seriously. She could have apologized. She could have explained her decision to let Dog on the couch. She could have made a joke. Instead she cut my position off - she has no intention of respecting my preference that Dog does not sit on the couch. So I took the "mature" route of ignoring her, which turned into not talking to her, which turned into her not talking to me and it was a COLD night at our place.

Taking the Plunge

I have been debating starting a blog for at least 6 months. I recently started reading a lot of strangers' blogs, and I am mildly addicted. But I really just need to start writing about what I am feeling, what I am stressing about and what insights I have. I talked myself out of this for so long - I don't exactly have anything to say that hasn't been said before, and better - but I finally realized last night, in the hazed euphoria after eating "special cookies," that I need to write for myself. This is my record, my log, my secret place.

But I wonder, can I really remain anonymous? Can I write honestly and openly what I really feel without fear that somebody I care about will read it and be hurt? Can I change the names of all participants, all streets, all restaurants, etc to maintain my cover? I have to believe that nobody is going to search out this blog, and that I can stay secret. (If you happen to be reading this and you are experienced with blogging, please PLEASE let me know if I am making a terrible mistake with this assumption.)

So quick snapshot of my life: Top of mind right now, every second of every day, is the IVF cycle that I am in the middle of. In fact, I have only 1 more injection to go (a big one) and then just 36 hours until my egg retrieval. I am so hopeful and so terrified at the same time. Yes, I want to have a baby and I want to be pregnant - but my marriage is not where I would have chosen it to be. I want to love my wife, but most of the time I find her very mean, insensitive, boring or clueless.

It is the meanness that gets to me most. She is just not nice. And I can't figure out how much is the effects of the multiple hormones I have been injecting into myself for the past 3 weeks, and how much is true. Several months (a year?) ago, I was seriously debating leaving her. We went to therapy (are still in therapy) and things got a ton better. Eventually I got very optimistic that our relationship didn't have to be so bitter and tricky. So I made the decision to stick it out, to continue working on it, to commit to us. Now I question whether it was the right choice to bring another child into the sometimes toxic family.

Yes, I did say another child. We have two kids already, twins - one girl, one boy - who are almost three and a half. They are a handful right now - just about anything sends them into meltdown. If I accidentally bring their juice into the living room for them, tears, whining and crying. If I suggest we go to the store, one gets excited and the other breaks down in tears, whining and crying. Nap time...tears, whining and crying. Driving me insane! I know their former versions, who were incredibly lovable and playable and fun and silly, are in there somewhere, but they have been overrun by cranky, tired, unhelpful beasts. Again, hormones not helping with my patience, so sadly I am angry around them too much. Got to avoid kids for their sake.

Have I mentioned that I am in the middle of IVF? I am having a rwally hard time concentrating at work - can't get anything done because all I want to do is read things on the Internet about IVF. What chances do I have of this working? Where should all my hormone levels be? Am I having normal body aches or am I getting sick or what is going on with my body? But mostly, will I get pregnant (please) and how many babies will I bring into this world? (And will I be a good mama to this child/these children? etc.)

But speaking of work, I am going to try to get back at it. Maybe more tonight or hopefully tomorrow.